


Yullen Week2019

by darkphoenix168



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: M/M, Yullen Week 2019, yullentide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:33:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21842239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkphoenix168/pseuds/darkphoenix168
Summary: Hello Y'all! Yullen Week 2k19 is underway and I'm going to do my best to upload in a relaitively timely manner! There's some comfort, love, and of course, some smut! Enjoy!
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Comments: 22
Kudos: 59





	1. Ameliroation

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! Yullen Week 2019 is here! Let's geet this started off with Amelioration, which means to relieve ills and changing for the better!

Stars sparkled on an unusually clear nigh in December. They did nothing to compete with the lights pouring from the town down below. People stumbled out of bars drunk and cars honked their horns to warn the intoxicated patrons. The town buzzed and hummed through the large sliding glass door that separated the room from the outside, effectively muffling the activity. With the curtains pulled open the occupants had enough light to see each other. More specifically, for Kanda Yuu to see the sleeping face of his boyfriend Allen Walker.

He was so agitated.

And there was Allen, going through the same thing he was, fast asleep after a night of relaxing and dinner and catching up on their joint television shows. 

Kanda squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to look at the numbers on his phone.

It probably hadn’t been more than ten minutes since he last looked.

But he needed to look. Needed to do _something_ since it was evident he wasn’t going to sleep.

He did it. He peeked.

And then he groaned.

Four. It had been four minutes since he last checked.

This was torture.

He was jittery and lethargic, exhausted and alert, hungry and satiated, all the same time. He continually found himself putting pens and pencils in his mouth on habit. What’s more, the need for nicotine was driving him absolutely out of his mind. The gums had too much sugar, the patches were too tedious, and every other cigarette quitting device lining the pharmacy shelves seemed like a gimmick. Nothing was about to replace a cigarette for him; right now, he really just needed a cigarette. 

But he needed to be better than that.

Quitting wasn’t supposed to be this hard for him. He had been disciplined all his life, to the point where he had been able to start his own life over again at twenty-one in an entirely new country, with an entirely new language, and not knowing one person where he moved.

Not that that was a deterrent. It was the main reason he chose to move to England. No one from his old life to bother him, pester him, and make him feel guilty that he wasn’t living up to the potential his parents saw in him.

To Hell with this.

Kanda groaned quietly, hating how fidgety his body was when he was craving a cigarette.

He just needed one hit…

Kanda looked down to the young man wrapped around his waist; his eyes were closed and his sides were rising and falling slowly, the covers pulled up to his chest. 

Almost nothing could wake Allen when he fell asleep, even more so after the two of them had had sex. What that didn’t mean was that Kanda could be careless. The young man moved quietly as he slipped out of bed, his legs swinging over the side of the bed. His search for his pants was quick, and he moved to open the sliding glass door to Allen’s small balcony where his face was briefly bathed in orange.

Taking in a long drag, Kanda slowly blew out the smoke from his cigarette, his anxieties calming at the taste.

He needed this.

Three months ago he and Allen had promised to quit smoking together, even going so far as to make a bet of it. It didn’t help that they had told Lavi and Tyki about their ongoing bet, especially since the latter took to smoking in front of them, driving the two nuts with temptation.

Usually Kanda did well with the quitting and avoiding temptation, but tonight was just one night too much. Too much work stress, too much financial crap to deal with, too much life, too much.

He took another deep breath in of his cigarette, slowly letting the cloud escape from his lips and over the cityscape below Allen’s apartment. What was it? Every cigarette took seven minutes off your life? Lavi was always spouting useless facts like that around the two of them. Kanda glanced down to the little death stick in his fingers; with the week he’d had, he’d almost say it was worth it.

“Kanda…”

The sliding glass door slid open then closed, a young man bundled up in the duvet and his own pair of pants joined Kanda on the balcony. Allen said nothing as he came to Kanda’s side, his head leaning on Kanda’s with his eyes closed.

“Come back to bed.”

Kanda said nothing, continuing to stare off towards the skyline while he felt Allen’s soft hair rub against his sides.

“Kanda…”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Kanda told him, his free hand reaching across his body to pet the white strands, “you go.”

“‘S cold,” Allen mumbled, “you’re warm.”

“It’s cold _er_ out here,” Kanda pointed out.

“‘S not so bad with you…” Allen sighed, “warm…”

Kanda said nothing, his arms lounging over the balcony railing. Surprisingly, he didn’t protest as Allen took the cigarette form between his fingers, the young man taking in a long drag.

“This stuff’ll kill you,” Allen told him, breathing out a plume of smoke, passing the cigarette to Kanda, “thought you were gonna quit?”

“Thought you were too,” Kanda commented.

“Just one hit,” Allen shrugged, “I didn’t light it up.”

Kanda returned to silence, sighing deeply before he took another drag.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Kanda told him, “why?”

“Cause you’re smoking again,” Allen sighed, “you promised to quit; and you don’t go back on your promises." 

“It’s nothing…”

Allen’s snort of derision made his boyfriend bristle, though he knew Allen was only doing it because he was tired.

“Work stress,” Kanda finally admitted.

“Anything I can do?” Allen asked.

“No.”

“If it’s money-”

“I don’t need money,” Kanda told him, “I’ll be fine.”

Allen kept quiet for a moment, letting Kanda take another long drag of his cigarette.

“You can move in with me you know… I can help you, till you get back on your feet.”

“I told you… I’ll be fine,” Kanda murmured, “but… thank you…”

Arms returned to Kanda’s waist, a mop of white hair snuggling against his shoulder.

“I’m proud of you, Yuu.”

Kanda looked down at Allen, a puzzled expression on his face.

“Where’d that come from?”

“I’m always telling you I love you,” Allen shrugged, “but I never tell you how proud of you I am,” his head tilted on the man’s shoulder, eyes looking up to Kanda’s, “so I’m so proud of you, Yuu.”

“Stupid,” Kanda muttered, his cheek coming to rest on the crown of Allen’s hair, “you don’t need to tell me that.”

“Yes I do,” Allen smiled, “how else will you know?”

“You’re not subtle,” Kanda murmured, “you show me, every day.”

“I didn’t think you were paying attention,” Allen told him, “but I’m happy you are…”

“Hmm…” 

The orange glow illuminated the two of them for a few moments longer, the young man taking long drags of the cigarette and occasionally passed it to Allen, who silently accepted it. 

It was just like old times.

Kanda stubbed out the butt, throwing it in the fake plant Allen kept to hide their secret smoking habit.

“I should get a real one,” Allen commented, “since we’re done smoking and all.”

“Hn,” Kanda hummed, “you’re not telling Lavi.”

“Why not?” Allen asked, “how else are you gonna pay up?”

“Moyashi—”

“I won the bet…”

“It doesn’t count,” Kanda muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Yes it does!”

Allen was sitting up now.

“You were smoking—”

“And what about the one you had last week?”

Allen paused, clearly trying to discern how much Kanda knew.

“Y… You knew about that?”

“I could smell it on your shirt when you put it in the wash,” Kanda commented, neglecting to mention that his addiction had his nose buried in the shirt for a good solid minute.

“You never said anything…”

“Why bother?” Kanda commented, “it seemed like it wasn’t something you were ready to talk about.”

They stood out on the balcony for a little longer, Allen humming softly as he listened to the sounds that Kanda had done his best to ignore for the last few hours. Kanda remained quiet, preferring to listen to Allen’s humming. It and the cigarette seemed to be what he needed to relax himself enough to want to go back to sleep.

“I’m going in,” Kanda announced, moving to the sliding door, “are you coming back to bed with me?”

Allen turned at the voice, his smile becoming sultry and the blanket slipping off his bare shoulder seductively.

“Is that an invitation?” 

“That’s more of a ‘you have the blankets wrapped around you’,” Kanda commented, prompting Allen to laugh once more.

“I get it,” Allen murmured, shuffling over to the bed.

He fluffed out the covers, spreading them back into their original place.

“Come on…” Allen patted the mattress beside him, holding up an end of the duvet.

His partner slipped in between the sheets, shivering once more before he relaxed. Allen took the opportunity to snuggle tightly, something Kanda wasn’t normally interested in. Kanda sighed as he looked up to the ceiling, Allen’s head on his chest, his head under the arm that wasn’t around Allen’s shoulders.

“Kanda…”

“Just go back to sleep,” Kanda whispered, his lids heavy.

“I’m here for you,” Allen whispered, kissing Kanda’s cheek and neck.

“Yeah,” Kanda murmured, burying his nose in Allen’s hair and drinking in the smell of the young man’s shampoo.

He grimaced slightly; he must stink of cigarettes. 

Not that Allen ever complained.

Hell, it was how they met.

Kanda had broken away from a party his friend was throwing for a smoke. Unfortunately, it was absolutely pouring outside, meaning Kanda had to huddle against the wall with his collar turned up against the rain.

An umbrella saved him from being completely soaked, and a young man holding it up above their heads.

“Make you a deal,” he said with a grin, “you share that,” he gestured with his head to the cigarette in Kanda’s fingers, “and I share this,” he lifted the umbrella up a little.

Kanda begrudgingly agreed, passing the cigarette to and fro and sharing little else. They were nearly done when Lavi burst onto the scene, proceeding to be both happy that the two of them had met without him needing to introduce them, and then chewed them out for smoking. The lesson would’ve made more of an impact had Lavi not been not-so-secretly dating a known smoker.

Their interactions grew thanks to their rather unhealthy habit, both needing to get away for a quick cigarette and bumping into one another constantly. In the back alley of Lenalee’s apartment, behind Jerry’s restaurant, outside the club Allen was DJ’ing at, on the balcony at Lavi’s parties. 

And eventually the balcony after their apartments after a night in together.

They both probably would’ve continued to smoke had Allen not had a minor health scare.

Evidently, his family had a history of heart conditions, a history Allen didn’t know about until he took a genealogy test just for the fun of it. It was a wake-up call to the both of them, and Kanda became aware of how he could very suddenly lose someone he dearly cared for to a preventable condition.

Kanda almost didn’t want to quit. It would be incredibly stressful for him in an already stressful situation. 

But if he didn’t quit, he could potentially kill Allen by forty, at the latest.

And if he did quit, he might lose Allen.

It was how they met after all. And what if, when he quit, they had nothing else in common? Allen would still go on smoking, constantly tempting Kanda to go back into the habit. The thought terrified Kanda. He didn’t want to lose Allen. 

“That’s stupid.”

It wasn’t the answer Kanda expected.

“We both like to work-out, and we both have tattoos, and we both like old movies and we like the same kinds of food,” he took in a deep breath, “and we both like time alone, with the quiet and each other, and we both understand when someone needs a friend and what to do, despite your complaining,” Allen’s head had tilted, “we have our differences, but it’s who we are that matters; and I love who you are. You quitting smoking and saving your life isn’t going to change that.”

“I won’t be able to go out with you on your smoke breaks… we won’t—”

“Why don’t we go hiking then?”

“Huh?”

“Or… to a restaurant? But that’s how smokers tend to gain weight… oh! What if we watch movies together or—”

“What the Hell are you on about?” Kanda asked him, Allen looking as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I’ll quit with you,” Allen told him, “and if we find out we have nothing else in common… well… at least we’ll have our health. Which is what you’re most worried about… aren’t you?”

Kanda didn’t respond to Allen’s assertion, choosing to keep his jaw tense.

“I smoke too; you’re not making me do it,” Allen pointed out, “but the fact that you’re worried about me is sweet… and it tells me we’re going to be fine.”

“Hm…”

“Kanda?”

Brought back to the present, Kanda looked back down to the sleepy young man, half-lidded silver eyes meeting his.

“You alright?”

“Just thinking,” Kanda whispered, his thumb running over Allen’s bicep, “it’s been three months… and I think we’re better than before.”

“It’s almost like I’m dating you for more than just the cigarettes,” Allen teased, “it’s almost like I love you… or something…”

“Or something,” Kanda whispered, his lips moving to touch Allen’s forehead.


	2. Nepenthe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepenthe: Something that can distract you from grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Yullentide! Here's a little smut for you all.

A  young man paced the balcony of the apartments, leaving prints in the snow in front of one particular door. Allen Walker would pause occasionally, turning to look up at the numbers on grey background. Puffs of air vanished in front of Allen’s face, the young man waiting nervously in front of the door. He glanced to his watch; 1:19 am. He raised his hands again, knocking once more. Grimacing, Allen started to turn away, knowing that if he hadn’t heard the knocking by now, Kanda was probably fast asleep.

“What do you want?”

Allen nearly jumped at the sound of Kanda’s voice.

“How’d you know it was me?”

“Who else would knock on my door this late?” Kanda asked, leaning against the doorframe.

“Lavi?”

“He doesn’t have the  spine.”

“Lenalee?”

“She’d call first.”

An awkward silence fell between them.

“Can I come in?”

Kanda just stared at Allen, clearly exhausted.

“Fine.”

Standing aside, the young man let his midnight visitor into his apartment. They didn’t look at each other as Allen took off his boots and coat, his cheeks, ears, and nose a bright red.

“How long were you waiting outside?”

“ Dunno ,” Allen shrugged, “awhile.”

“Idiot…”

Allen ignored the comment, instead  walking towards to the kettle on the stove.

“What are you doing?”

“Making myself a cup of tea, since you’re in no mood to entertain—”

“ It’s one in the morning!” Kanda snapped, grabbing the black handle, “and you don’t need caffeine this late.”

“I’m not going to sleep anyway— ”

“Then you can leave.”

Allen was stunned.

“Kanda—”

“I have an early day tomorrow,” Kanda said, “so I do need to sleep tonight.”

Allen smartly held his tongue, knowing that when Kanda put his foot down, there was nothing he could do  or say when Kanda’s mind had been made up.

“Come on; I need to be asleep soon.”

Sighing, the young man followed Allen into the adjacent bedroom . Kanda moved to his phone to check something wile Allen started to strip dow n, starting with his shirt and moving onto his black pants. He’d turned around from Kanda out of habit rather than  embarrassment, but was brought back by a guiding hand. Looking up to Kanda , Allen felt himself relax a little at the comforting presence.

Something he’d never thought he’d call Kanda.

Allen stood on tip toe, his face in Kanda’s hands and his mouth  filled with Kanda’s tongue.

“You’ve been drinking,” Kanda commented, pulling back from Allen.

“Only a little…” 

Kanda pulled back.

“How much is a little?”

To save himself from answering,  Allen lifted up and kissed and kissed Kanda, hoping and praying that the young man  would just let him have this night to help him forget .

Kanda’s push to the bed seemed to be his answer.

He fell back on the mattress , looking up at the dark ceiling. Allen calmed down for a moment, feeling cool hands  run up his sides and a knee pressing between his legs and slowly applying pressure. Eyes rolled into the back of his head, sighing  at the contact he’d longed to have.

Kanda’s  mouth covered Allen’s nipple, the back arching at the contact.

“ _ Ohh _ _ … _ ”

Allen’s head tilted all the way back , his eyes closing and his nails digging into  Kanda’s arms.

“ _ Ah… hah…  _ _ hummm _ _ … _ ”

The chest began to rise and fall more erratically as Allen let himself fall further and further into  the feelings Kanda was stirring inside of him. It was good to feel this good. He began to move and twitch, his hands needing something to hold onto , and they settled on Kanda’s hair, and were immediately removed.

Kanda always hated people touching his hair, and that included Allen, especially in their most intimate moments.

“ _ Kandaaa _ _ … _ ”

“No.”

Allen pouted, looking up to Kanda and covering  the young man’s cheeks.

“Please…”

“No,” Kanda told him, “I’m not about to give everything you want.”

The groan from Allen’s lips qui ckly changed tune as Kanda, scowl and all, returned to kissing the young man’s neck . Allen tilted his head to let Kanda have more access, loving how the young man knew every one of his tender spots. He bit his lips, enjoying the euphoria that was starting to flood his system and dull his nerves.

“Hang on…” Kanda murmured, digging through the nightstand.

“ Hurry up …” Allen moaned, hating the chill on his most private parts.

Navy eyes glanced back to Allen for a moment, the young man keeping his jaw tense before he went back into the drawer.

“ You’re needier when you’ve had a bit to drink ,” Kanda pointed out,  putting  a condom in his teeth and holding lube in his hand.

“I’m needy cause I miss you…” 

Allen pulled the condom from Kanda’s mouth only to kiss it , humming as the stubborn young man easily conceded.

“That’s not why and you know it.”

Ignoring Kanda’s comment, Allen continued to kiss Kanda, his hands  slipping into the young man’s pants and began to palm the half-hard member. Kanda began to pant, pulling back to let Allen  do what he’d like. Allen started to kiss Kanda’s neck and collarbone , shuffling closer together and feeling the erect cock in his hands grow.

Kanda’s own hands were sliding down  Allen’s waist, over his back, and mimicked Allen’s own hands. He  slipped his fingers under Allen’s underwear and began to stick a slick finger into Allen.

“ _ OOhhhh _ …”

Allen’s hips shuffled unconsciously. He lifted up to his shins,  releasing Kanda’s member as he arched his back so that Kanda could get another angle.

“You’re tense,” Kanda grunted , managing to slip another finger into Allen.

“Been… awhile…” Allen sighed, turning to look away from the man  below him.

He didn’t care about pain. Pain didn’t bother him. It was doing and feeling nothing that made it worse.

“It’s not that and you know it…”

“Bringing this up now?” Allen grumbled un der his breath, his body suddenly jerking, “HAAII!”

Allen managed to glare at Kanda for a moment.

But only for a moment.

“Stop being so…  _ nng _ … asinine,” Allen moaned, “ just let me forget…”

The words Kanda wanted to say were pushed aside as he tried to lift  Allen just a little higher to get his better places.

“ _ Hhahhnn _ …  _ ohh _ _ …  _ _ aahh _ _ … _ ”

His nails tightened on Kanda’s bare back, their chests touching and Allen feeling himself grow harder.

_ “Hmm… _ _ Ah-hah—” _

Instantly he was pushed back onto the mattress, Allen now looking up at Kanda and his  thighs around Kanda’s hips.

“Just tell me and I’ll stop.”

Allen sighed, his hands  slipping over Kanda’s shoulders and  tilting his head.

“Don’t you dare.”

Kanda grunted for a minute before he pulled Allen’s legs up high er before he pushed himself inside.

“ _ Uhgn _ _! _ ”

Doing his best to control his breathing, Allen panted for a few moments . Kanda didn’t seem too concerned with Allen’s body, knowing exactly how the young man liked it. He started moving , watching as the face returned to pleasure.

Hands pulled at the blanket , his body moving each time  Kanda thrust into him . 

“ _ Ahh _ _! Ah! _ ”

Allen glanced to  where their two bodies connected, turning even redder at the sight. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes and  he started to beg for more and more .

“ _ Kanda! Kanda! _ ”

He grabbed the pillow behind his head, mouth open and moaning loud enough for Kanda’s  neighbors to hear them. His whole body jerked and rolled as he tried to control how he was feeling ; how Kanda was  _ making  _ him feel.

“ _ Harder!” _ Allen told him, “ _ mor _ _ -AH! _ ”

Allen’s toes curled tightly as Kanda slipped his hand under Allen’s knee and sharply pulled it up, letting him get deeper and deeper.

“ _ No… _ ” Allen moaned, “ _ too-too—” _

_ “ _ You wanted more,” Kanda grunted, “ this is more.”

_ “HAH!” _

With his vision turning white, Allen  almost lost control of himself. He was writing and moaning and calling and crying on Kanda’s bed. He wanted more, but more wasn’t enough. He wanted Kanda to  thrust into him harder, and touch every spot inside of him he didn’t know he had. 

“ _ K-K- _ _ Kaan _ _ - _ _ dAH _ _!” _

Allen took a sharp inhale, his body out of his control and his mind deliriously blank.

Exactly the way he liked it.

Kanda was such a stubborn and controlled man that Allen always assumed that Kanda was incapable of this level of passion. When he knocked on Kanda’s door five years ago, he was proven mistaken. Kanda almost willingly accepted Allen into his bed. Even more than that; he became the man Allen craved more than anyone. He’d let Allen walk into his apartment at odd hours of the night,  let him complain until the sun came up, and even made breakfast for Allen should the young man spend the night with him. 

If Allen didn’t know any better, he’d have assumed Kanda might’ve actually liked him.

“ _ Aggnn _ _ …  _ _ aahh _ _ … _ ”

Allen’s face was turning red with flush, his body  twitching and flexing and arching as Kanda left marks on his hips. The bed creaked as Allen was roughly slammed into,  making drool leak from his mouth in a manner that would otherwise embarrass him.

Kanda wasn’t a gentle man when it came to having sex.

And Allen loved it.

He loved feeling Kanda. Loved feeling how  needy and rough a man could be when he wanted Allen.  Kanda was nothing if not honest with Allen in bed. It was a complete one- eighty to the man he knew at work. Someone who  was uptight and prude and kept himself to himself, no matter how much Allen and his friend’s pried and pried and pried. And oh did they pry.

But here, in the dead of night, in the dead of winter, when Allen had Kanda  all to himself, did Kanda let himself just be. And it was all Allen wanted.

Kanda moved with intent, guided by the young man moaning below him and listening to what Allen needed to forget his grief.

To forget the death of his father.

“ _ Ah-HAH!  _ _ Uhhnn _ !”

All thought suddenly left Allen’s brain as Kanda reached a part of him the young man seemed know instinctively where it was. Toes curled  and knees bent  as Allen’s body moved on it’s own.  His back arched and his head tilted up, Kanda’s lips  returning to Allen’s throat.

If Lavi knew how Allen truly knew the other side of Kanda he would question everything Allen ever did again.

In all honesty, Allen figured Lavi had figured out the story beneath his nose. Lavi was a smart man, more in tune with his friends’ wants and needs than even they were. He was a kind, if not  nosy man who cared greatly for what his friends were thinking and feeling. Allen assumed a part of Lavi must’ve figured that  this wasn’t something they were ready to come clean about.

“ _ K-Kanda— _ _ ohh _ _ — _ _ uhnn _ _ —” _

“Just focus on me,” Kanda whispered, his hand now by Allen’s head, “only me.”

“ _ Haah _ _ — _ _ hhnnn _ _ —mmm—” _

Scarred fingers  wrapped awkwardly around Kanda’s wrist, Allen leaning towards Kanda’s hand , trying to be as close as he could to the young man . Lips came down to kiss  Allen’s neck, letting Allen ignore the marred hand he’d received  on that night almost ten years ago.

“ _ Kanda… c-can’t f-f-feel— _ _ ahh _ —”

Kanda pulled his leg harshly, letting himself go deeper and deeper into Allen as Allen became more and more lost in the moment.

The young man climaxed loudly, his whole body shaking before he  let himself revel in the high. He stayed motionless for a moment, Kanda letting him have the moment of peace before they started to relax. Allen’s leg  slowly  slid  down to the mattress, his naked body heaving  as he did nothing but stare up at the dark ceiling.

He didn’t want to return to earth.

Kanda was doing… what he didn’t know or care , but he heard the sink running for a moment and the trash can rustling. Allen remained passive, letting  the large duvet be pulled across him  and a warm body slipped onto the bed next to him.

“Go to sleep.”

The request was quiet and gentle, alien to a man who  scowled as much as Kanda did. Allen sighed , knowing that it was easier said than done for him today.

“How’s  Mana ?”

Allen closed his eyes. He just wanted to enjoy the night , maybe get to relax after the moment they just had.

“He’s good,” Allen whispered,  “I got the stone all cleaned up,” he looked back to Kanda, “thanks… for the flowers.”

“ Don’t mention it.”

“I thought you had work tomorrow morning, and needed to sleep…”

“I thought you were dealing with this, and not coming round to me  to try and forget the bad day.”

Allen ’s t eeth t ensed.

“This is fine.”

“ No, it’s not.”

Kanda tolled over Allen in an instant, forcing the  silver to look at navy.

“You’re sentimental and stupid and naïve and generous to a fault,” Kanda took in a deep breath, “ but having sex without any attachment at all isn’t you. Never has been.”

“Maybe you don’t know me…”

“Yes I do.”

Allen bit his tongue at that. Kanda was right. He knew him, probably better than most.

“ Maybe… Maybe I’m tired of feeling sad… and I just want to forget …”

“You can’t forget this.”

Kanda sat up, his forearms on his knees.

“And you shouldn’t either.”

Allen remained quiet,  knowing that Kanda  rarely  gave sage advice.

“Grief… Grief just means you love someone…  it means your memories aren’t enough for you.”

Allen looked back to Kanda, seeing a  flash of sincerity across the stern face.

“You need to  get help. ”

“That fact that you’re telling me this—”

“Means I’ve gone through this.”

Now Kanda was stern and serious. It made Allen pause, his throat thickening.

Maybe he didn’t want to change.

He liked what they were doing, where they wer e.

Did Kanda?

Allen looked up from his mind to see Kanda looking at him, studying him more like.

Every time Allen got his with a wave of grief and  longing he could always turn to Kanda . Their comfort sessions didn’t start out as sexual, but it grew to that pretty quickly , and Kanda never once pushed Allen away. But perhaps that was because he knew what Allen was going through.

Was this really what Allen wanted when it came to Kanda?

“If I get help… you’ll still be here for me… right?”

Kanda looked Allen up and down, his jaw tightening.

“If I get help, let’s go on a date.”

“Moyashi—”

“You’re right… I don’t sleep with someone I share no connection with,” Allen’s head touched Kanda’s shoulders, “but I want a deeper connection.”

“I’m pretty sure—”

“Stop being an ass!” Allen snapped, “I’m saying… I want more of you … and not in the way we already have.”

“Then you need to get better.”

Allen felt the truth of Kanda’s words hit him hard . His mouth opened and closed and he couldn’t look Kanda in the eyes.

“But not for me. For you ,” two fingers pulled Allen’s eyes to navy blue, “ and you know it too.”

White hair nodded slowly.

“But I still want that date.”

Kanda groaned.

“What? You can have sex with me but not date me?”

“This really isn’t the time,” Kanda sighed, rubbing his face with his hands, glancing to the  clock, “I need to get to sleep.”

“Kanda?”

“What?”

“ Thank you…”

“ Hm ?”

“ This is stupid and irresponsible and dumb… and you don’t have to do this,” Allen swallowed, “but thank you… for helping me .”

“Moyashi…”

“Yeah?”

Kanda rolled over.

“Just go to sleep.”

Allen couldn’t help the smile on his face .

“Okay,” he conceded, snuggling up  next to Kanda who grumbled but didn’t push Allen away.

“Next Friday.”

“Huh?”

Kanda shuffled, but didn’t look to Allen.

“We’ll go out next Friday, if you make an appointment,” Kanda  murmured,  Allen smiling wider.

“Alright…” his arms pulled Kanda closer to him,  enjoying how Kanda didn’t resist.

Instead, he brought Allen close, knowing that  this was more than just a distraction for the both of them. 


	3. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theme: Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speaking in Italics is speaking in English  
> Speaking in regular inflection is Japanese

The blue eyes looking around the room, hating how overly ostentatious everything in the embassy was. High ceilings,  polished marble and woods, rich carpets covering the  scuffed floors , and people milling about down below , searching for Visas and passports. He sighed ; w hy couldn’t he just meet with his father tonight at the house?

Kanda  Yuu glanced over to his  left, taking in a young man who sat with his  mess of white hair falling over his face and his eyes on his phone. There was something wrong with the left side of his face and left hand. Kanda’s face grimaced at the gnarled hand ; he really hoped his father wasn’t forcing him to  go to another charity even t.

Double doors opened and three men poured out.  The man in suits nodded to Kanda , the young man nodding back before he slipped into his father’s office.

“Father,” Kanda bowed, the man looking up  to his son.

“ Please, sit.”

Kanda obeyed his father , pulling up a chair in front of his elder.

“ What did you need me for?”

“I need to discuss the upcoming year  in terms of events,” the young man barely looked up from the papers, “you don’t engage much .”

“Nothing to say…”

“Nothing to say?”

“No.”

Now he looked up at his son. Kanda just as stubborn as his father, but  his face held none  of the kindness his father’s face had.

“Then it seems I’ve made the right  decision hiring a translator for you.”

The world seemed to stop for Kanda.

“ What?”

“I’ve hired a translator for you, to help you engage.”

“I don’t need a translator!”

“Oh yes you do!” now his father was mad, “you cannot hand back in the shadows! You need to be present ! And if the translator will make you do it then so be it!”

“No!”

“This is not up for debate!”

Kanda winced at his father’s hiss.

“Now, go greet him, politely, and do your duty!”

“Greet—he’s here!?”

“He’s sitting right outside the door. ”

Kanda’s mouth opened and closed and turned to the door where the young man with the destroyed hand sat patiently. He growled,  growing more and more angry .

He didn’t want to come to Englan d. Didn’t want to leave Japan behind , didn’t want to leave h is university, didn’t want to learn a whole new language, new food, new currency, new  streets, new life. He hated the weather, hated the people, hated the food, hated the smell in the air ; hated England.

And he hated the stupid grin his potential translator had on his face.

“I’m Allen Walker,” his Japanese was quite good despite his age, “ it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“ _ Fuck off _ .”

The young man stopped short. Kanda’s English, apparently, was good enoug h .

“ Yuu !”

Kanda ignored his father and turned towards one of the private rooms  he used to work.

This was stupid.

He just wanted to be left alone. 

His  new  translator had other ideas.

“Excuse me?”  the young man’s voice  was lighter than Kanda expected.

“I told you, fuck off.”

The young man ignored the anger and just slipped into the room.

“Your English is very good,” Allen complimented, “ I hope I can get to work on it with you.”

“I don’t need a tutor.”

“I’m not a tutor I’m your translator,” Allen explained.

“You’re annoying,” Kanda corrected, turning back to his homework , “and I don’t need a translator either.”

“Too bad.”

Now Kanda paused. 

“You’ve got me for  nine months,” Allen came to sit on  a chair opposite , “ suck it up.”

It seemed Allen really had mastered Japanese. At least enough to tell Kanda off in his own mother tongue.

“ I work for your dad, not you. Only he can hire and fire me. You’ve got nine more months of university , and I’ll be there f or it all. ”

The pencil in Kanda’s fingers broke. 

“Right!” the young man hopped off  his seat , “I’ll see you on Tuesday!”

That was Kanda’s first interaction with Allen Walker. 

His second was when he showed up late to the Embassy’s event.

“We’re up on the second floor,” was the first thing that came out of Allen’s mouth. No chastisement, no anger , no frustratio n, just directions.

Kanda  was somewhat grateful as he walked up the stairs and took his place along the wall

“What are they doing?” Allen whispered, watching the young woman swirl the cup.

“Traditional Japanese tea ceremony,” Kanda  told him monotonously , “one of the many services we provide here."

“I was just asking,” Allen  whispered quietly, holding  up his hands.

They kept quiet for a few more moments, before it was Kanda who broke the silence.

“Aren’t you a little young to be a translator?”

“I don’t have a degree or anything, but I have enough of a fluency to get the job,” Allen explained, “I’m saving up for the degree. That’s what this job is for.”

“Oh?”

“That, and the experience,” Allen took a sip of water , looking around the room, “doesn’t your father want you to mingle ? ”

“ So?”

“Fair enough,” Allen shrugged, turning back to the tea ceremony.

Allen’s blasé attitude surprised Kanda.

“You’re not going to make me?”

“Why?” Allen asked, “it’s clear you don’t want too. I’m your translator, not your mother.”

“ Che …”

Kanda turned away for a moment, but couldn’t ignore how grateful he was.

Allen was loyal and prompt when it came to his job. He would show up  before Kanda  and leave after. He was always dressed sharply and had his hair perfectly styled. He was friendly with  the other staff and party guests and when he had to  translate, he was unobtrusive and  unnoticeable, despite his hair and scars .  He would occasionally show up at the ambassador’s house,  spending most of the time  with Kanda  alone somewhere.

It wasn’t all smooth and easy. Kanda would routinely call Allen a  M oyashi and  Allen would often respond with  BaKanda .  They could be particularly vicious to one another, but never  during events or in public  eyes . Kanda also noticed that Allen never once mocked his  ability to speak English, his accent, or his choice of words. Allen also never stepped in unless Kanda turned to him. He never spoke over Kanda, corrected his language, or mistranslated things for him. He would, on occasion,  whisper something to Kanda about something another person was saying about him, but he was more like a friend to Kanda. 

It made the move to England all the less painful for Kanda. He found meetings and events and charities less and less of a chore and he found breathing coming easier and easier to him. 

He found himself becoming excited  for the Embassy’s charity events , as it meant he got to see Allen.

Allen was  charismatic and  smart, liking to be around people. He liked the events; the tree planting, the opera  visits,  the cultural exchanges . Kanda would often sneak a glace to Allen to see the young man smile broadly while watching some woman sing about her cheating husband . It was apparent Allen was enjoying his job.

When this was all said and done, would Allen leave to the next job and forget about him?  The thought made Kanda’s stomach turn. It made him feel worse to know  that this was just a job to Allen.

“ Yuu .”

Kanda turned to look at his father entering his room, the man shutting the door behind him.

“On Wednesday there is a n environmental charity  ball going on,” his father murmured, “ I’ve sent a tailor to Mr. Walker’s for a suit —”

“He’s going to  be there?”

His father seemed confused.

“ Of course he is; you won’t be seen without him.”

“What does that mean?” Kanda got defensive now.

“I mean nothing by it!” his father defended himself,  “I mean that you  seem very closely connected to him. I hope you can take that back with you to Japan.”

Kanda’s heart jumped to his throat .

Go back to Japan?

Once his father left, Kanda looked to his phone. 

He really only had two more months here, then he was going home. His father was to stay behind but Kanda was going home.

Alone.

Again.

It meant leaving England, and Allen.  A task made much more difficult than  leaving Japan for the first time , because now he had someone to leave behind.

The rest of the week went by in a blur for Kanda, and he managed to get  dressed and cleaned up and ready for the charity event well before Allen even arrived.

“Hey !”

Kanda almost wished Allen wasn’t so damn chipper.

“Hm.”

“ You’re already ready?” Allen carried on, shutting the door behind him , “sorry I’m late.”

“You’re not going.”

Kanda heard Allen pause.

“Oh…” Allen sounded disappointed, “alright then… when—”

“You’re not coming back; you’re done.”

Now Allen was  stunned.

“What?”

“You’re  nine months are  almost  up,” Kanda told him without looking at Allen,  “you’re dismissed.”

“It’s only been seven—”

“I’ll make sure you get paid for the last two,” Kanda continued to walk around the room .

“Kanda, stop—”

“I told you when we first met ; I don’t need a translator . These few months were helpful, but I don’t need  you anymore.”

“But—”

“I’ve already talked to my father—”

“KANDA!”

Allen stood in front of the door, barring Kanda’s leave.

“I said you can leave—”

“Not till you tell me what the Hell’s going on!” Allen stamped his foot, “ we were fine! Now you’re firing me!? Without even looking at me in the eyes?”

“Yes! Now piss off!”

“No! I’ve  spent seven months with you! I thought we were doing fine! You have no reason to fire me!”

“ Yes, I do! You’re annoying and frustrating and—”

“And that’s no reason to  fire me!”

“What do you care!?” Kanda growled, “you’re moving onto the next job anyway!”

He shoved Allen roughly out of the way, the young man stumbling while Kanda escaped , knowing that Allen would not throw a fit in a diplomat’s house. Kanda was determined to ignor e anything  that spewed from Allen’s mouth. Cutting this off now was what was best for the two of them.

“Where’s Mr. Walker?” his father asked as Kanda slipped into the car.

“He’s not coming,” was all Kanda said before his father joined him.

They managed to leave without a fuss from his father and the house , and arrived  to flickering camera  and other delegates. Kanda watched as his father posed for photos, his son standing a distance away, thankfully ignored by  the media. 

Kanda was guided towards a room where all the others waited for the ambassadors  to finish with their meetings. Turning, the young man noticed that  he was suddenly alone. 

Had it always been suffocating ?

“ _ Hello! You  _ _ *** _ _ be  _ _ am***** _ _ Kanda’s son _ !”

A woman with dark skin and black hair  appeared beside Kanda , her smile beaming  and a drink in her hand. 

Kanda  took a step back.

What had she just said?

A man strode beside her.

“ _ Am*****  _ _ R****! And t*** **** be—” _

What were they saying?

His English was good enough. He knew that. For the last six months he’d spoken to others like these people  fluently. And now?

He couldn’t breathe.

He felt like he was drowning. Everyone was talking all at once . What were they saying? He could speak  English well enough, so why couldn’t he understand them? Why was this hard? It was never this hard in University or when he was doing his homework or at  diplomatic dinners his father had dragged him too. So why now?

“ _ Mr. Kanda? _ ”

Now he was causing a scene.

He could not cause a scene. 

He had to do something. He couldn’t cause a scene. He had to be proper and  upright and good and put on a good face and—

“ _ I’m sorry _ .”

The nice voice was a relief to Kanda.

Like the others, Allen had just appeared beside him. His hand was on Kanda’s shoulder and his smile was bright.

“ _ Mr. Kanda is needed  _ _ elsewhere right now; I hope that’s okay.” _

Everyone seemed to understand, emphatically nodding and waving at the young man. Gently, Allen tugged Kanda by his upper arm towards another hallways Kanda was unfamiliar with. Their passes flashed, the two slipped passed security to a darkened hallway.  Allen led him down the halls by the hand, glancing in the doors until he found an empty room and pulled Kanda into it.

“I don’t think this room’s going to be used for the rest of the night,” Allen whispered, “we can hide here.”

Kanda kept his mouth shut and eyes on the ground.

He loathed his anxiety.

He loathed what he became when got anxious; he found himself angry and irritable, wanting to shut down and be alone. He was tense and short and frustrated and isolate d, and he did that to himself. There was no one else to blame. It was his fault he couldn’t be alone with people in a crowd , especially in a language he didn’t understand. It was his fault they’d laugh at his sad attempts at speaking. He needed to pronounce things  properly or not speak at all.

“Kanda?”

Allen just waited.

And Kanda wished he didn’t .

With a deep breath, Kanda lifted his head to see Allen’s face contorting from worry to relief.

“Hey,” Allen smiled weakly, “ welcome back.”

“You didn’t need to do that; I fired you.”

“Your dad didn’t though; he called me and said you might need some help. ”

“I don’t—”

“Don’t start,” Allen sighed, straightening up, “do you really think your dad only hired me  cause you  don’t understand English?”

Then it clicked.

Allen was right; he spoke English, probably about as fluently as Allen , but it was speaking with people and his pursuit  of perfection. He wanted to pronounce things perfectly, to  understand everything, to manage different conversations at once. Like his father could, like Allen could .

That’s why Allen was there.  It wasn’t the language Allen helped him with, it was  being understood. Allen never made excuses for him but  always made sure tha t Kanda wa s  able to get away and take a breather if he needed it.

It wasn’t the translation; it was the understanding.  Allen understood him, well enough to know what Kanda needed to speak fluently.

“ _ Thank you… _ ”

It was hard for Kanda to say. And Allen could see that.

“It’s my job…”

“ _ That’s not it… _ ” Kanda swallowed thickly, “ _ you d _ _ idn’t need to save me _ .”

“I didn’t save you,” Allen pointed out , “but I do want to know why you just up and fired me.”

Kanda licked his lips. What did it matter if he told the truth now? He’d be gone in two months.

“ _ Because… I like you… _ _ and I didn’t  _ _ want to hurt when I leave _ .”

Allen just kept calm and composed. He watched as Kanda, who seemed tough and defensive  be nervous and closed off.

It’s what he did whenever he was dealing with his anxiety .

“When… you go home to Japan,” Allen chose his words carefully , “can… do you think we could keep talking? I know it’s unprofessional … but—”

“ _ You want me to keep talking to you?” _

“ Well … yeah,” Allen rubbed the back of his head , “you’re not the only one who’s got feelings .”

His mouth  opened and closed, Kanda left somewhat stunned at the confession.

“If you don’t want too—”

“ _ You… still my employee _ _ … _ ”

“Not after the next two months,” Allen suggested, “and I do like spending the time with you. ”

“ _ Even though I don’t talk?” _

“Don’t need to speak to be understood. And you don’t want too.”

It was what Kanda wanted to hear. He stood tall, cupped Allen’s jaw, and locked lips with the young man that offered no  resistance . 

“That’s universal across language s ,” Allen grinned , leaning back.

Kanda couldn’t help it; he turned his head downward and smiled.

“And so is that ,” Allen’s fingers tapped Kanda’s chin.

“You’re being a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah… but you like me so…” he shrugged , “so… you have to deal with those feelings for the next two months without being able to do that,” he titled his head , “this could be fu n .”

“ Che ,”  Kanda muttered, leaning back against the table , crossing his arms.

“Want another one?” Allen asked, “to tide you over?”

With a cheeky grin, Kanda brought Allen back in for a second kiss , loving that the road wasn’t going to be easy, but the understanding between them made  the journey worth it.


	4. Broken/Mend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Broken/mend: little bit of hurt and pain in this one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: death

Rocks and gravel shuffled as the heavy body dragged itself up the few stairs and into the shelter of a dilapidated building. A trail of crimson started to follow the young man, no matter how hard he was pressing on his stomach. Each breath was painful and his arm and legs were getting tired. He finally collapsed on the ground with a grunt. He couldn't do it. As stubborn as he was, he couldn't move an inch further.

He turned over on his back, out of breath and his hand still on the gaping wound. The building's ceiling was gone, perhaps fallen in because of neglect. But it let the young man drink in the sights above him. Stars flecked the sky, the night eerily silent despite the fighting that had gone on. The only sound in the world was the heavy panting and gasping from the dying man.

His breathing slowed, finally doing nothing for the first time in forever. It was a beautiful place, the stars so clear and bright it almost hurt.

It took the young man a moment to figure out what he'd walked into. He was in a church right? Looking around, he saw something that looked like a lecture stand and rows and rows of pews. The roof had been blown off and not an ounce of smoke covered the stars. It was all rather peaceful.

He spat on the ground.

Of course it was a church. A bloody church.

Of all the things he had to run into, it was what he was running away from.

He'd been with the church his whole life. Made by them, raised by them, trained by them, abused by them, and watched as they killed and destroyed friends and loved ones. They didn't care about him; they didn't care about any of them, so he refused to care for them.

But not the people in his situation.

"Ka…da!?"

The mass of black weakly lifted from the ground.

Who would be out looking for him?

"Kan…da!"

Oh… of course.

Allen Walker.

The idiot he'd told to run and not look back.

He should've known Allen would turn around and chase him down. The ground shuffled beneath him as he thought; maybe he counted on that. Maybe he didn't want to be alone anymore. Maybe he didn't want to die alone.

Die?

The thought shook him to his core.

He'd never been afraid of dying, so why now? His fingers tightened on the bloody wound; there was something that was keeping him here. He wanted to live and, as Kanda listened to the running feet outside his hiding place, he knew why.

"KANDA!?"

Allen bolted and collapsed beside Kanda, his hands frantic as he looked over the bleeding man.

"Oh… Oh my God…"

The head of bright white hair came into view. There was dirt around Allen's face and his eyes were wide and panicked.

"Y-You're—O-Oh…"

"Stop freaking out," Kanda whispered, turning his head away from Allen.

The young man sank to his knees, reaching over to get a better look at Kanda's wound.

"Stop… you're… there's—"

"I've had worse…"

A pause, and then.

"Y-You're right… you've had worse… and been okay! So it's okay," Allen whispered, "it'll be okay… you can heal this! This… this sort of thing… this is nothing for you…"

Now Kanda felt guilty.

He'd said the wrong thing to calm Allen down, and he needed to make it worse.

"Not… anymore…"

Teary, Allen looked up at Kanda, his mouth aghast.

"Wh… What?"

"Can't… heal like that… anymore," Kanda whispered, turning his head away from Kanda, "not… not since—"

"B-But you have too!" Allen cried.

"I can't—"

"You will."

Allen's fierceness was back in full force. He wouldn't let his fear consume him, not when Kanda was lying there dying.

"If I have anything to say about it you will!" Allen told him reaching into a small satchel and pulling out bandages and alcohol.

"Stupid moyashi," Kanda hissed, "just run…"

"Not without you."

For days Allen worked on the stomach wound that Kanda sported. He kept the wound closed with bandages and shirt pieces. He forced gruel down Kanda's mouth and kept talking on and on in an attempt to keep Kanda awake. There were no hospitals nearby, the result of the two of them running to a place without civilization in an attempt to hide. A choice Allen was now deeply regretting.

For his part, Kanda made the tasks more difficult for Allen. He'd continually tell Allen to leave him and run, that what he was doing was pointless and destined to fail. He almost refused to eat, claiming it was tasteless and disgusting.

Towards the fifth day Kanda started to lose his fight. He still resisted any form of change, but he at least ate without complaining and would sleep more and more for longer and longer periods.

It panicked Allen.

Kanda's wound wasn't healing like it used too. He'd lost a lot of blood and the wound didn't seem healthy. Allen was fearful now, wondering what else he could do or could've done to keep Kanda healthy.

"Kanda?"

"Hm?" the young man remained peaceful, his face relaxed and barely moving from his sleep.

"Do you… remember our first mission together?"

Kanda opened his eyes. Allen was looking up at the open stars, his fingers running through Kanda's bangs while the head was in his lap.

"In Mater?" Kanda asked, "of course…"

"The stars were like this that night too," Allen smiled through his tears as he ran his fingers through Kanda's hair.

"No," Kanda shook his head, "there were a lot less…"

"You're memory's going bad," Allen teased, "it was like tonight."

"Che."

Allen smiled; the stubborn pig-headedness of Kanda was shining through. Maybe that meant he was getting better.

"They're… more like… that night… in Japan…"

The fingers paused, stilling for a moment before he carried on.

" _That_ night huh…" Allen whispered, his forehead lowering to touch Kanda's, "I don't know… I thought they were prettier then…"

Kanda glanced up to Allen before he looked up to the stars. Maybe Allen was right; their first night together he hadn't really noticed the stars, or had much of a chance to look at him. The only thing he saw that night was Allen. It was only when they were done and had rolled off each other did Kanda look up to the night sky.

"I wish we could go back to that time…" Allen said, tears in his eyes.

"Idiot," Kanda whispered, "you weren't free then…"

"But I had you…"

Kanda sighed, closing his eyes. He was just so tired.

"I think… I think it's my birthday," Allen whispered, looking back up at the stars.

Kanda met Allen's gaze, wondering what astrological figure Allen was looking at.

"Is it?"

"I think so," Allen pointed up to the stars, "there's the North star… at the tail end of little dipper," he traced it with his fingers, "and… and there's Orion… and Gemini," he swallowed thickly, "and… it looks like a crescent moon tonight," his hand fell on Kanda's shoulder, "I think… it's the twenty-fourth tonight…"

"Hm…"

Allen's birthday.

How could Kanda forget?

He patted one of his pockets, reminding himself that he did indeed lose Allen's gift during his getaway.

Of all the things to lose.

His eyes closed shut, unable to keep them open for a moment longer. He just needed a rest.

"Hey… Kanda?"

Kanda said nothing. He kept his eyes closed and his breathing steady.

"I-uhm-I know what I want for my birthday…"

Allen hated how his voice was quivering. Hated the fear in it, hated the terror.

"I want you to live…"

Still, nothing from Kanda.

"Kanda?"

Nothing.

"Y-Yuu?"

If Kanda hadn't been breathing, Allen might've broken.

The periods that Kanda would be awake weren't coming anymore. For two days he did nothing but sleep. No matter what Allen did to try and wake him, Kanda wouldn't stir. The wound on his stomach was only turning worse, and Allen knew it was all his fault. If he'd ignored Kanda and opened a gate and taken him to the nearest hospital…

It was too late now, and Allen knew that.

He spent a day grieving, mourning the loss that was coming. Kanda wasn't going to live much longer. The fact that he'd made it as long as he did was testament to his stubbornness and determination. There was really only one thing Allen could do for Kanda now.

Lifted into Allen's arm, the young man did his best to carry Kanda away from the building and organization that took everything from them and gave nothing back.

Allen stumbled with Kanda's body in his arms. Almost two weeks without food had left him weak.

But he had to ignore the gnawing pain in his stomach.

Kanda couldn't die here. Allen wouldn't let him. Not in a place that hurt Kanda so relentlessly and insistently. He wouldn't let that happen.

It took everything Allen had to carry Kanda from the ruins to an open field. He stumbled a few times, his knees hitting the ground no less than six times. But he had to persist. For Kanda. The long grass was refreshing against Allen's scraped skin. He sunk into the field, Kanda laid gently with his face looking up to the sky and Allen collapsed next to him.

Feeling grass and damp on his skin in December was a new sensation for Allen. He was used to snow and cold. As odd as it was for him, a part of him liked it.

"It's nicer here, isn't it Yuu?" Allen whispered, looking up at the sky, "I like it better here…"

Allen squeezed the hand tightly, knowing that he couldn't possibly look at the peaceful face of the young man next to him.

"I'm sorry," Allen whispered, "I-I should've been with you… I shouldn't have split up," he swallowed thickly, "I'm sorry I broke you…"

"You didn't… break me…"

The first few words Kanda said in days made Allen's heart hurt. He looked up to an exhausted-looking Kanda. The rings under Kanda's blue eyes were deep and haggard. Kanda's face was gaunt and his cheeks were becoming thin.

"I… was already broken," Kanda whispered, his head turning to look at Allen, "you just… helped me mend… a little."

"Not when it counts," Allen sniffed, touching the wound.

"Yes… where it counts," Kanda's hand covered Allen's and brought up to his chest.

"And then… I broke you again…"

"No, you didn't."

"If I hadn't—"

"If I hadn't chased you… I wouldn't be here," Kanda's breathing seemed painful, "I don't regret it for a minute."

"You should," Allen whispered.

"You already hate yourself too much; I won't make it worse."

"No," Allen shook his head, "I hid something… I'm sorry…"

"Moyash—"

Allen pulled the sleeve down, showing an infected and gaping wound of his own. Curious, Kanda's brow knotted and he tried to lift his head up.

"I… got it… when I went to find you," Allen whispered, "I should've told you… but you needed more help than me."

Kanda's brows rose.

"Moyashi…"

"There's no chance for me," Allen told him, his own breathing becoming ragged, "the Order, the Noah… they'll find me…"

"Weren't you… supposed to keep walking?"

"I did," Allen said, "I walked… and walked… and walked…" he swallowed, "I don't think I can walk anymore… I'm so tired."

A hand came to touch Allen's hair, lips pressing to the young man's forehead.

"How long… has it been like that?"

"A while," Allen whispered, "it hurts so bad…"

"Should've said something," Kanda whispered, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't let that be the last thing I hear you say…"

Allen swallowed the lump in his throat. His would was deep and bad, but he'd bandaged it up and stopped the blood flow so he thought he would be okay while Kanda healed. He didn't expect Kanda to succumb. It wasn't until Kanda had slipped into his coma did Allen realized his cut had been badly infected and painful. By the time Allen had decided not to push past the pain, it was too late for him.

"Hey… Yuu?"

Kanda didn't respond.

"I love you," Allen told him, closing his eyes, letting the fatigue that had been eating away at him finally consume him.

It was only three days later, when a Finder search team was sent to retrieve them were the two of them found. Allen was still on Kanda's chest, both of them had their eyes closed peacefully and only the wind rustling their hair gave any indication of movement. The team approached them bending down to look at the exorcists for the final time. They knelt close to them, hands running over Kanda's wound before they stopped at Allen's hand, turning over to reveal an infected wound. It had turned Allen's right wrist into a mirror image of his left, now so dark it was black with infection.

For all the pain they must've felt, their faces didn't show it. The finders made a decision that day to keep them from the Order; they had done so much to break free that even in death they wouldn't want to go back. A pyre was built and their ashes were scattered to the wind, the two broken young men now free from those who wanted to break them further.


	5. Cicartize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cicartize (to heal through a scar)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was pain, now this one's about fluff!

"Geez… stupid country… stupid snow…"

Kanda Yuu grumbled bitterly to himself, brushing the snow off his shoulders and head. He kicked the rug at their front door in a fruitless attempt to get the snow off his boots. Slipping off his coat and boats, he walked into his small stone bungalow to listen to a crackling fire.

"Moyashi? Oi! Moyashi?"

Had Allen gone out?

Kanda glanced to his watch. No, it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon; Allen was usually starting tea time around this hour.

But Kanda smelt no tea nor any of his sweet cakes.

"Moyashi?"

There was still no answer, making Kanda question what had happened to Allen. He made sure to check his phone, hoping that Allen had left a message for him.

Nothing.

"Moyashi?"

Kanda's calling stopped when he came across Allen on the couch.

He was lying on his side, his eyes closed and his lungs gently expanding and collapsing. One arm was under the pillow and his other was on his waist. All of Allen's textbooks and worksheets were open, pens and pencils strewn across the coffee table.

It was obvious he was stressing out about his online exam.

Allen was working very hard to get his Master's degree finished up on time and on track. All Kanda heard from him over the last several days was about how difficult this test was going to be and how no one really needed to know this stupid stuff. Kanda had even woken up to see Allen studying his cue cards in the middle of the night with a flashlight between his teeth.

Now he was asleep on the couch, dead to the world. Normally, the tiniest movement would wake him, like the slamming door or Kanda calling for him.

Placing the groceries on the kitchen countertop, Kanda moved back over to Allen, choosing to let the young man sleep rather than wake him up.

Kanda sat next to Allen's head, watching as his boyfriend slept soundly and deeply. The closed eyelids didn't stir as his head moved with the cushion, and Kanda made sure to keep it that way.

Allen was sleeping on his right side, with his scarred left hand on his waist, made all the more visible with his tank top. The fire kept things pretty warm in the house, the way the two young man preferred it. Kanda took an interest in his boyfriend's left arm, staring at it as though it were the first time.

He moved gently, slipping his fingers into Allen's palm. Slowly, Allen's hand was lifted up and brought close to Kanda's eyes, his thumb rubbing over the scarred skin. Curiously, Kanda tried to count the scratches and scars the littered the back of the young man's hand.

There were just too many and too intertwined to know where to begin.

And that was just his hand.

Kanda looked down the wrist and arm, noticing the meandering wounds and sharp turns the scars took. The skin was pulled and stretched over the muscle and bone, the gnarled flesh looking painful and red. The scar traveled up the forearm to just passed the elbow. There, a black tattoo took over, smaller details on the shoulder. There was almost no distinciton between the two, and the scar was just as bad as the first time Kanda saw it.

It was so hideous that Kanda didn't want to go near Allen's left side.

He would actively avoid being close to Allen's scars and touch. He openly called Allen cursed and a degenerate. He'd demand that Allen wear a glove whenever he was in Kanda's car or in Kanda's apartment.

And Allen didn't take it for a minute.

He'd repeatedly touch and lean on everything in Kanda's apartment and car, deliberately offering or passing things to Kanda with his left hand, going out of his way to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. It would be the start of many fights between the two of them.

Kanda would accuse Allen of trying to curse him and Allen would snap back, telling Kanda he needed to suck it up and get over it.

It was only during sex did Allen try to hide his left arm. Unfortunately, he wasn't subtle, especially during sex. Kanda ignored how Allen wanted to shove his hand under a pillow and took it in his own fingers. The act of acceptance made Allen smile. And it was something that Allen never forgot.

That was almost three years ago now.

They'd since managed to move into an apartment, and then a stone cabin together. More accurately, Allen had inherited the stone cabin from a woman he called Mother. She decided it was time to downsize, so she left the place for Allen to care for, and he and Kanda still hadn't decided whether to stay or sell.

A thumb moved bright white hair aside to reveal a scar on the side of Allen's face, Kanda's fingers keeping the hair in place while his thumb running over the tip of the forehead, tugging gentle on the eyebrow.

"Hmm…"

Allen's groan was accompanied by a turning head. His eyes opened slowly, meeting the gentle gaze of his boyfriend.

"Hey…"

"Hey," Kanda nodded, "you alright?"

"Mmmhhmm…" Allen turned onto his back, his hand still in Kanda's, "what're you doing?"

"Just…" Kanda shrugged, Allen smiling sleepily.

"Just… what?"

"Looking," Kanda admitted, lifting up Allen's arm.

"Ah…"

Allen kept quiet, watching as Kanda ran his hands up and down his arm.

"Don't these hurt?"

"They did," Allen admitted, "but that's what a scar means… that it used to hurt."

"And then you have to look at that."

"I do," Allen shuffled, "but… I also see how far I've come."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… the scars are ugly, and feel weird and make people uncomfortable," he sucked in a deep breath, "they show me that I can go through something and make out okay. A little worse for wear, but okay," he looked up to Kanda, "and if I can do that… then I will be okay… no matter what I get into. It might take some time to heal, but it will heal."

"That's… a different way of looking at it."

"I'm kind of lucky, actually."

"Why?"

"My scars are in plain sight."

"What—"

"It means I get to see how far I've come; not everyone gets to. _You_ don't get to."

"Hmm…"

Kanda looked down at a sleepy but smiling Allen, the young man just letting his boyfriend look at his fingers.

"Everyone else gets to see the two steps back they take; _I_ get to see the ones I've taken forward."

"I guess you're lucky then."

Kanda let Allen's hand fall back down as he stood up. He walked over to the groceries he'd left on the countertop and started to unload the non-perishables into their respective cupboards.

"You're doing good, Yuu."

Kanda looked back to Allen.

"You're doing really good you know."

"Am I?"

"Yeah, you are."

Allen pushed himself up off the couch, stretching and yawning. Kanda heard the young man walk over to him and he felt arms slipping around his waist.

"I wanna stay in and order a pizza or something really greasy and bad," Allen smiled, his fingers interlocking around Kanda, "and I wanna stay with you."

"You've got work," Kanda gestured to the piles of paper on the coffee table.

"I don't wanna do it," the young man grew close to Kanda, his lips pressing to the back of the elder's neck without any resistance or hesitation.

"Hmm…" Kanda murmured, covering Allen's hand with his own.

It felt nice to be this close to someone.

"Hey… Yuu…"

"What?"

Arms squeezed tighter around Kanda's waist.

"My scars don't hurt anymore," Allen hummed, "tender, but don't hurt."

"Hmm…"

"If yours hurt, it means they haven't fully scarred yet, and still need too."

"And when will that be?"

Allen's head leaned around Kanda.

"When you're ready," Allen hummed, rocking back and forth with Kanda.

"Moyashi…"

"Hm?"

"You need to let go."

"Don't wanna," Allen laughed, turning as Kanda shooed him off, "c'mon!" he grabbed Kanda's hand, "let's just have a night to us."

Kanda bit his lip; as much as he hated to admit it, a relaxing night together sounded wonderful.

"Moyashi—"

"I know; you're busy with everything," Allen groaned, "but… just tonight… please?"

The young man closed his eyes. He was going to cave, he knew that. The old him would've told Allen to piss off and be done with it. But Allen really had changed him.

"Fine."

Allen cheered, falling back on the couch as Kanda shut the fridge door with a sigh.

"What kind of pizza do you want?" the young man reached for his phone, flipping through the options, "I don't think they do Soba…" Allen suddenly perked up, "I think there's a place that does Japanese take-away—"

"Allen…"

Silver eyes looked up at that, Kanda approaching slowly.

"What's up?" Allen asked, "you're calling me by my actual name."

"Yeah…" Kanda suddenly became nervous, "I kind of wanted to wait until you were done with your exams," he dug into his pockets to pull out a box, and Allen's mouth dropped.

"Kanda…"

"I'm… asking if you'll stay with me… even if my pain doesn't scar like yours…" Kanda asked, pulling open the box to reveal a simple black band surrounded by silver.

"Ohh…"

It was the only thing Allen could think to say.

"I know you wanted the night to be more special—"

"No!"

Kanda was as surprised as Allen at the sudden out burst.

"No! I don't mean _that_ no, I mean," he took a deep breath, "y… you're really asking me? For real?"

"Would I ask if I wasn't serious?"

Allen's jaw tightened, his breathing suddenly became more difficult.

"I um… think there's something you're supposed to say…" Allen teased with a grin, "specifically."

Kanda took a deep breath. Using the couch as support, Kanda got down on one knee and offered the ring to Allen.

"Allen Walker… will you marry me?"

"You're fine with having someone this scarred?"

"Only if you are."

With a laugh Allen reached down to take the ring from the cushions.

"It fits," Allen whispered, slipping the ring around his finger, "I've never worn a ring on this hand…"

"I checked to make sure it would," Kanda murmured, coming to sit up on the couch, "I know you hate wearing jewelry on that arm."

"I think I can make an exception," Allen smiled, leaning in to kiss Kanda, "this means yes, by the way."

"I can figure out that much, Moyashi."

"Back to Moyashi huh?" the smile grew wider, "can you stick with Allen?"

"Not on your life," Kanda murmured, leaning back to let Allen settle onto his lap.

"Well… at least you never called me Scarface."

"Why would I? Moyashi is Moyashi."

"Just so long as I'm your Moyashi I think I can live with it," Allen whispered, leaning close.

Kanda's right hand came to cup Allen's left cheek, his thumb rubbing over the scar he once detested. Allen smiled as he leaned into it, his left hand covering Kanda's.

"You know Kanda… some wounds don't scar," Allen whispered, "but I will be with you even if they don't."

"I take it this is from experience…"

"Yeah," Allen nodded, "it's from experience," he glanced to his left hand, "and when they do scar, they don't look pretty."

"Who cares?"

Allen studied Kanda for a moment longer.

"Pretty is for someone else to see," Kanda said, "you've always done things to improve yourself for yourself."

"Guess we have that in common," Allen laughed, bringing Kanda in for another kiss, "thank you."

"For—"

"For seeing past my scars…" the young man smiled, "even if it took you a while."

"I didn't see past them," Kanda said, "I just saw them for that they were."

"Which is?"

Kanda's head tilted.

"A sign that you've healed from something hard," he murmured, "or… they show someone that you can go through something and make out okay."

Allen smiled warmly, turning to look down at the beautiful ring on his fingers.

"I think… you're going to be okay too…" Allen whispered, "no… I know it."

"Even if I don't scar like you did."

"Even if you don't scar like I did," Allen smiled, kissing Kanda slowly, "let's face it… you wouldn't look half as good as I do with 'em anyway."

Kanda smirked, kissing Allen's lips before he kissed the cheek and forehead scar. Ugly as the scars may be, the pride with which Allen wore them made Kanda see them in a different light. Healing through scars was never a pretty thing; but sometimes, it was a necessary thing.


	6. Abscond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an alternate theme.
> 
> Abscond: to runaway

"Cheers!"

Multiple glasses clinked as the group of friends laughed, turning to each other as they enjoyed their company for the first time in forever. Lenalee Lee sat on the couch between Lavi Bookman and Allen Walker while a grumpy Kanda Yuu sat on an armchair in the corner away from the three of them.

"I missed this!" Lenalee squealed, hugging both of the young men near her.

"Me too!" Allen nodded, toasting with his glass.

"We all did!" Lavi laughed, "right Yuu?"

"Don't call me that," Kanda growled nursing his solitary beer.

"I'll be right back!" Allen laughed, walking to the bathroom, his glass in tow.

The sink ran for a few moments, water touching his face and cleaning the white basin. Allen looked at himself for a moment, taking a deep breath and wiping off the water before he returned to his friends.

"Sorry about that!"

"We need to put a bell on you or something," Lavi joked, raising a glass to Allen.

"Or something," Kanda muttered.

"I told you guys I'd be right back!" Allen defended himself, ignoring Kanda and settling back on the couch.

Kanda was always a grouch.

He'd been that way since Allen came into the house.

The whole arrangement had been odd. Allen had been brought under the wing of a man named Cross Marian who, once Allen was old enough, sent Allen to live with a friend so that he might get a descent education and have some stability. Upon entry of the house, Allen was greeting by a furious young man that tried to chase him out of the house. After nearly getting into a fight, a bespectacled young man had run out of the room to diffuse the situation.

Allen fit in rather well for the first few years. He'd learned to avoid Kanda and seek out Lenalee and Lavi for friendship. He managed to get into university and was excited to start his first year with Lenalee until a man named Rouvelier strode into their house.

He was, evidently, someone Cross owned a great deal of money too and bought the house Allen's new family was staying with out from under Komui. He also owned several other properties and had a novel of conditions and expectations for the people to follow if they wanted to continue living in the house. It was particularly bad for Allen as, since Cross was in the wind, all of his debts fell on Allen's shoulders. Without a word signed away his life, agreeing to abide by all the ridiculous purity rules Rouvelier set out for them.

They did their best; all of them did.

But not all of them had a shadow.

"Oh shit!" Lavi hissed, looking down at his phone, "Link's coming back!"

Groaning, the groups quickly gathered up the evidence, shoving it into a black trash bag, tossing the remnants into the sink and handing the bag to Lenalee. Allen ran to turn on the dishwasher while Lavi scrubbed the tables down. Even Kanda pitched in, giving the floor a quick sweep.

Given their new rules, alcohol was a no-no. As was getting tattoos (though the ones Allen, Kanda, and Lavi all had had to be excused), premarital sex, certain garments, any swearing, staying up late, and disobedience. Rouvelier had already threatened a couple of them with relocation and would cross the line when it came to punishment. He'd even tracked Lavi down using his phone in order to make the redhead clean the house for leaving out a dish by accident.

They had developed a pretty effective system of cleaning up and hiding their actions, and they'd been pretty luck so far. When Link stepped through the door, they all greeting him quickly before they made their way to bed, Link following Allen to his.

The two drank the cups of tea Allen brought them. They drank and talked, Allen talking to the young man for a little while longer before he turned in for the night, wrapping the blankets around him and facing the wall. Allen waited patiently on his bed, his eyes staring at his watch. It was an old analog watch, found at the thrift store when he stopped by to donate his clothes. He liked it; simple, but functional. It wasn't some grand family heirloom passed down from father to son, but it was enough for him. And he wanted something to call his own.

Link spent his time by his desk, writing e-mails and reports before he too went to sleep. Only when it was three in the morning did Allen finally move. He was still fully dressed, shoes and all, making his movements quicker. Link wouldn't wake up, Allen was sure about that, but he still needed to be quiet. He grabbed the duffle bag that he'd packed nights before and slipped quietly out of the house through his window. The grass was soft as Allen landed with a quiet thud. He paused, only for a moment, relaxing when he heard none of the house stirring. Running to his car, Allen reached for the key fob.

Looking around, Allen worked quickly. He took his duffle and threw it into the back of the car, slamming it shut before he jogged to the driver's side. Allen stopped for only a minute to look up to his shared house, his face falling and his jaw tightening. The black phone was pulled out only to be broken into parts and he stomped on the pieces.

He wasn't going to need it anymore. It was a liability, and he couldn't afford those anymore.

Allen stared at the pieces for a moment, hating how much it hurt to never get to see the memories he'd made with his friends ever again. How he'd never get to see his friends again.

No. He couldn't afford to get caught up in those thoughts like that.

The car door opened and shut, Allen settling into the front seat of his car. Praying that all his friends were sleeping soundly, he grabbed his keys and turned on the ignition, finally ready to taste real freedom.

His heart jumped into his throat at the sight of an angry Kanda, standing in the car's path with his arms crossed over his chest. How the Hell the young man had gotten in front of him without him noticing he didn't know, but he didn't have the time to care about that.

"What the Hell Kanda!?" Allen hissed, stepping out of the car, "move!"

"No."

"Kanda—"

"What the Hell are _you_ doing!?" Kanda asked, "you think we wouldn't notice!?"

"You wouldn't notice the truth if it jumped up and bit you on the ass!"

"Oh really!?"

"Yeah!"

"You didn't drink a damn thing tonight, and all week long you've been tying up loose ends and making amends and getting rid of your stuff!" Kanda said.

"So!?"

"So! You're up to something you little moyashi!"

"RRG! Why does it matter to you!?"

"I thought you were going to kill yourself!"

Allen paused, looking at an irate Kanda.

"What?" Allen asked incredulously, "what are you on about!?"

"That's what people do; they give away all their worldly possessions, make amends, and do everything they can to make the people around them have good memories."

"That's not—"

"It's what you _were_ doing," Kanda pointed out, "forgive me for being concerned!"

"You're not concerned with anything unless it inconveniences you," Allen said, Kanda visibly flinching at the comment.

"Moyashi…"

"It doesn't matter; I'm leaving."

"Why?"

"I need to leave!"

"WHY!?"

"I just need too!" Allen yelled, "I-I can't be here anymore!"

"Why!"

"WH—"

The words just weren't coming out.

He just wanted to leave, go away and not come back. Leave with nothing but good memories of his friends and everything Mana had ever given him.

Why did Kanda of all people have to be standing in front of him, stopping him from leaving.

"Rouvillier… he's been… Link's only job here was to watch me, make sure I stay in line…"

"What the Hell does that mean!?"

"It means I haven't been following those stupid 'purity' rules he made us all sign when we all joined up with him! And he wants to send me away," his eyes became cold, "I'm not going to be sent away again. No."

"What do you mean 'send away'?"

"To… another house… or worse…" Allen murmured, "I don't really want to find out."

"So you're just going to run away? Prove him right? Deem you an enemy of the church?"

"What does it matter? He's made his decision."

"Fight it!"

"I won't win. I can't."

Kanda's eyes narrowed.

"You—"

"He runs this house, he runs Cross' debts, he runs my life."

"He doesn't run your life; no one does."

Kanda's voice became a lot more sincere and soft.

"What do you think this is going to do? To Lavi? To Lenalee? To Marie?"

"Weren't you always telling me to look out for myself," he gestured to himself, "well… I'm finally doing it."

"Then say it like you mean it."

In all the year's he'd known Kanda, Allen had never known Kanda to act like this. If he had a few more minutes, Allen would've liked to figure out why.

But now, he didn't have the time. Every second he spend arguing with Kanda was a second he was wasting.

"What do you care!? Move!"

"Make me!"

"Fine!"

The door slammed shut, and the car roared to life. Lights re-illuminated Kanda's body, crossed arms and all. Mismatched hands gripped the steering wheel and Allen's foot touched the gas pedal. The two stared at each other for a moment before Allen looked back to the high stone wall behind his car. Lavi's red sedan was to his side and Lenalee's black two-door was on his other.

There was no way around it; his only way was out was through Kanda.

"Move," Allen told him, his voice deeper and colder.

"No."

Kanda spoke softly this time, in a voice Allen barely heard over the engine.

He didn't need to hurt Kanda, just nudge him out of the way far enough to get free.

Just a nudge; that's all it would be.

His foot touched the gas. Depress it slowly, and he'd be free. Both men felt their teeth tighten as the stare down began.

He wasn't going to hurt him, but he had to move him. He had to move the angry, tall, bitter, argumentative, frustrating, handsome young man out of his way. Allen's feeling for Kanda didn't matter at this moment. All that mattered was getting free from the clutches of a man who seemed determined to make his life difficult. The person standing in front of him was the only thing standing in his way. Feelings didn't matter, he told himself.

Allen couldn't swallow the mouthful. Breathing suddenly became difficult for him. His forehead lowered to touch the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white on the cold plastic.

He couldn't do it.

Even if it meant he could get away and be free, he couldn't do it.

He couldn't hurt him.

He couldn't hurt someone who gently cradled his face and kissed him so tenderly the night that started all of this.

Silver eyes closed; he just wanted to be normal. Falling into the house was an accident. Rouvelier had agreed to let him and a handful of other talented kids to live in a house, all expenses paid, and a full ride to university. All they had to do was sign away his life.

It was too good to be true.

And it was.

They had to be good kids. No premarital sex, no cursing in the house, no provocative clothing, attend church on Sundays.

And never fall in love with members of the same sex.

Things had been good in the house, all the patrons trying their best to stay in line, but always pushing that line. Then Rouvelier became suspicious, and Link was sent to live with them. And watch them, and report them.

Allen had snuck out of the house to meet a friend for his birthday party, and he drank a little too much. Fortunately, Kanda managed to find him and pull him away from the party-goers and chastise him. Allen simply smiled, hugging Kanda and drinking in the musky cologne, admitting to Kanda that he was happy it was the elder that had come to find him. Allen mumbled something about wishing he'd never signed that agreement, so that he could at least ask Kanda out and be rejected like a normal human.

Then Kanda kissed him.

It was a warm kiss, made that much closer by the chill in the night air. Kanda's hand cupped Allen's cheeks and his other arm surrounded the young man's back. Allen leaned into the touch, enjoying their first intimate moment.

Unfortunately, Kanda hadn't anywhere near the life experience Allen had had shaking tails, and he didn't realize Link had followed him to keep an eye on Allen Walker.

It wasn't until Allen snooped through Link's computer did he find the e-mail to Rouvelier, making the precious moments Allen had in this house come to an end.

The side door opened and close, the car shifting with the added weight.

"Where are we going?"

Allen didn't look up.

"I don't know," Allen swallowed the lump in his throat, "but I can't stay here."

"Then drive."

It took Allen a moment longer, and Kanda said nothing as Allen took the time he needed to calm down. The car roared to life, light's illuminating the wall opposite him before he hit the gas and began the long winding road towards the highway and then to the ferry for somewhere in Europe.

"Where's your phone?" Allen asked after a moment.

"At the house."

"I'll get you—"

"My backpack's already in the backseat… if you haven't noticed."

Allen glanced to Kanda.

"Once I figured out you weren't… doing that, I slipped it in," he adjusted in his seat, "for a poker player, you're not very observant."

"Kanda—"

"Thought you wanted to drive."

"You know how stupid this is, right?"

"So?"

"So where do you want me to drop you off?"

"Wherever you're going."

Allen swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I'm not leaving your dumbass alone while you run about doing stupid shit," Kanda told him, "you're stuck with me."

"Kanda—"

"What!?"

A hand covered Kanda's.

"Thank you."

Kanda remained calm with Allen's left hand over his.

"Don't you want to know?" Allen said, "that thing that Link reported me for?"

"Can't be worse than anything I've done," Kanda shrugged, "and given those purity rules we were forced to sign, it could be anything."

Allen hummed, his eyes kept firmly on the road.

"But I know it wasn't for snitching, or I'd be the one going."

The younger didn't need to respond for Kanda to know he was right.

"So thank you…"

"Is that why you're here? Guilt?"

"I'm here to keep you safe."

"I don't need a guardian…"

"Consider it amends then," Kanda commented, "I knew Link was watching; I should've been more careful."

"That was my job. You don't need to make amends to me."

"I'm the reason your running."

"Rouvilier is the reason I'm running," Allen said, "I wanted that kiss.."

The silence that fell between them was both comforting and uncomfortable.

"Still… thank you," Allen whispered, "you promise… not to leave me?"

"I promise… I'm not leaving you."

"Thank you…"

Kanda's fingers closed around Allen's hand.

"You're welcome… Allen."


	7. Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here's the last of the Yullen Week Themes! Closure!
> 
> Thank you so much for being with me on the journey and here's to a new year and a new decade! Happy 2020 y'all!

Clothes and toiletries were carefully arranged in an oversized and overused duffle bag. Allen Walker packed everything slowly, moving and adjusting his pants, shirts, and sweaters around a beautiful katana, and the reason he was heading across the world.

In his job at an antiques store Allen accidentally stumbled across an old Japanese sword. When he tried to pull it free from it's scabbard, he was met with resistance. The old shopkeeper laughed when he saw Allen struggling with the weapon, and told him that the old thing was probably beyond repair, or at least worth being repaired.

Despite being told off, Allen was still fascinated with it, and asked if he could buy it instead. Feeling generous, the shopkeeper sold it for a measly hundred pounds, even letting Allen take it home with him. Which is where Lavi saw it and got invested in the mystery.

"It could be an old family heirloom," Lavi whispered, holding up the scabbard.

"It's probably from World War II," Allen had called from the fridge, "didn't they mass produce hundreds of those things?"

"Yeah, but this isn't one of them," Lavi called, turning over the sword, "the handle alone looks hand-crafted."

"So... it's special," Allen shrugged, holding a drink in his hand, "doesn't mean it's an heirloom."

"Then why'd you buy it?"

"Because I thought it was cool," Allen said, taking a swig and returning to the kitchen.

"I think we should find out who owns this."

"Simple; I do."

"I _mean_ … whose family does this belong too?" Lavi grew excited now, lifting himself up to walk over to Allen, "if it's an old heirloom, it has to belong to someone right?"

"And what if the family's died out?" Allen asked, "or were disgraced? Or what if it _is_ a World War II relic? They were none too proud of their service, if I recall."

"And what if it's got some deep family roots?" Lavi leaned against the counter, "could it really hurt to ask? Or look?"

"Who are we gonna ask or where are we gonna look?"

"Why, the internet of course!" Lavi announced with a flourish.

"You want me to put some 'valued piece of family history' out there, online, for a bunch of random strangers to see and judge and give us misleading or false information and send us on wild goose chases?"

"Well… yeah!"

"Have fun with that."

Allen left Lavi to his work, only being roped back into the project when Lavi gave him the password to the account he'd set up to find the owner of the sword. He took some pictures and posted them, and then let Allen know that, since he was the sword's rightful owner, he needed to be in on this too.

"Lavi!" Allen called, pulling the doughnut from his mouth, "Lavi!?"

Curious, Allen leaned over, looking at the screen. The texts were being sent by someone with a name in kanji. .Illusion, if Allen was reading it right.

 _Hello_?

"Oh… shit!"

Allen looked around for Lavi, knowing that this was his pet project.

_Hello?_

It was an instant message, and the person seemed impatient.

_Can we talk?_

_Sorry; my friend put up the post. I'm borrowing his account._

A pause, and then:

_You have my family's sword._

Allen was a bit taken aback at the bluntness, but went along with it all the same.

_How do I know?_

_What?_

_How do I know it's your family's sword?_ Allen repeated, pausing as he waited for the person to respond.

_The sword's name is Mugen. It's carved into the scabbard and there's a lotus carved on the blade near the hilt._

Allen glanced to the sword lying on the living room side table, his face grimacing.

_I can't._

_What? Why the Hell not?_

_It's rusted through. I can't open it._

_Then fix it._

Allen felt his blood boil.

Who was this stranger to tell him what to do anyhow?

 _It costs a lot of money_ , Allen told him honestly, _I need to save up for a bit._

_When you do, send me a message back._

_Sure; my account is CrownedClown1225_.

_Message me then._

That was it.

The stranger had logged off.

Allen sat back, looking at the laptop.

Unbelievable.

A stranger, a perfect stranger, was telling him what to do with a sword he might not even have claim too.

What an ass.

He was such a jerk that Allen didn't even want to message him after he'd managed to save enough and send the weapon in to be cleaned up. He got lucky and the antique shop owner had a friend that would do it for Allen cheaply, but it would take him longer, which Allen was fine with. He knew it could easily run into the thousands so to find someone to do it for less than four hundred dollars was a miracle.

 _It's getting fixed_ was all Allen messaged him.

_Good._

Allen fumed. This guy really was an asshole.

Then…

 _How much was it_?

Allen's brow knotted.

 _A bit,_ Allen told him _, why?_

_I'll send you the money._

Allen's brows knotted.

 _Why?_ _It might not even be your family's sword._

_It is._

Allen was confused.

_How do you know?_

_I just do._

The young man laughed out loud.

 _Don't worry about it,_ Allen typed, _let's see if it's really your family's sword after all first._

_Just tell me how much it is._

The young man paused with his fingers on the keys. They were just going round and round, only serving to get them both frustrated and angry.

 _My name's Allen_ , he typed instead, _what's yours_?

_? Kanda. It's in my username, moyashi._

_My name's Allen, not beansprout!_

_You're moyashi. Moyashi is moyashi._

There went Allen trying to be nice.

They fought back and forth like this for almost two weeks. Allen was still moyashi and Kanda changed between asshole, moron, and idiot. And yet, they never shut off the messaging. They kept talking and talking. They'd sometimes talk for minutes, and other times for hours. And it was nice for them both.

Allen learned that Kanda was only two years older than he was, that he was studying in the university in Tokyo and wanted to be a doctor. He was living alone and rarely spoke to his parents. He did, however, have a long family history that he was really proud of. Allen told him a brief bit of his own history, telling how he traveled the world and went to India, China, and a few countries in Africa. It was how he knew so many languages. He mentioned that his guardian was the main reason for his travels, but kept quiet about what Cross did or the reason he went to Cross in the first place.

They'd talk about little things too. Allen got told how stupid some of Kanda's classmates were, and Allen complained he was stuck in his job. Lavi would jump in occasionally, but Kanda didn't seem to like the jovial redhead all that much.

He was genuinely excited to talk to Kanda, morning, noon, or night.

 _You awake_?

Even at one in morning, when he was working on an online assignment, Allen nearly jumped to his phone. At the messages.

 _Yup!_ Allen smiled at the messages, really liking how those three little dots bounced up and down as Kanda texted his message

_Why are you up?_

_Late night with my textbook_ , Allen smiled, _sword's not ready yet though._

 _I know that_.

Allen grinned at the indignation.

_Why are you working so late? Does your girlfriend hate that?_

_I don't have one_ , Allen admitted.

_Why not?_

Allen paused.

They'd been talking for a few weeks now. Were they really this close?

_I don't like women like that._

He just left the message like that.

 _What about you?_ Allen asked.

_What about me?_

Allen felt his heart jump into his throat and drop to his stomach all at once. Of course Kanda didn't know him like that. Hell, even for the time they were living in, to find out the person you'd been talking to was gay could come as a bit of a shock. Figuring that meant he should move on, Allen quickly brought the message back to the sword, suggesting that when he got it back, they video chat. And Kanda agreed.

The day came quickly, and Allen found the money was well spent. When he was shown the blade, he thought it was absolutely stunning. He could only imagine what it would've looked like in it's glory day.

"You're home early," Lavi commented, munching on his cereal.

"Yeah," Allen panted, throwing off his boots and shoes, "had to run."

"Why?"

"I don't wanna be late," Allen told him, "the sword's ready and Kanda wanted to talk again and he's only got an hour today."

"Kan—oh… I see."

Allen turned to the large grin spread on Lavi's face.

"What?"

"You like him," Lavi whispered.

"I do not," Allen snorted, "he's… we're working on getting his sword fixed and back to him is all!"

"Then why don't I join the conversation."

"Because you annoy him; he said so."

"But you annoy him too; he said so."

"I'm just going to be showing him the blade through the camera; he won't even see my face."

"Why not?"

Allen paused, looking back at Lavi.

"Kanda… doesn't like me like that," Allen murmured, looking at his hand, "I already admitted that I was gay to him and he… kind of stopped talking to me…"

"Maybe," Lavi mused, "or maybe he's got things to do and just couldn't talk."

"I've talked to him a lot more than you did," Allen told him, "he's probably put off by all that."

"But you've talked to him nonstop since you met him," Lavi pointed out, "I think he likes you."

"Trust me Lavi… not like that," Allen sounded dejected now.

"Have you asked him?"

"Why would I?"

Lavi shrugged, "never know till you ask right?"

"I'm not asking him," Allen told Lavi, shutting the door and turning on his computer.

His call with Kanda was eventful, and he showed Kanda every inch of the blade, finding the lotus carved on the hilt. Kanda sent him back the one family photo he had of the blade, the face of the young man holding it blurred. But it was it. In much better condition, but there it was.

"What'd you think?" Allen asked.

"You found someone who knows what they do," Kanda said.

Allen could hear the excitement in Kanda's voice.

"I think it's yours," Allen told him laughing, only to have his smile fade slightly.

This was it, wasn't it?

The last time he and Kanda were going to talk.

The last time he and the most annoying man were going to talk. And for some reason, that bugged him. And made him sad.

Then Allen received an e-mail. It was a plane ticket to Japan, in his name.

Kanda wanted Allen to come to Japan with the sword. He said it would be fine and legal, and that he could move the dates if Allen couldn't get the time off.

Lavi drove him to the airport, telling Allen all the way that he needed to go. Allen was telling himself that he didn't need to go. He would send the sword by air mail, he'd stop talking to the man that didn't even know his name.

He told himself that even as he pulled his duffle bag off the baggage rack in Japan.

Allen had never been so nervous in his entire life.

The flight was a long one, but Allen tried to sleep for most of it. He was just too nervous. He wasn't an ugly human being, but he still had a massive scar down his face and a marred left hand. What if Kanda didn't like him? After all the messages they'd sent, the conversations between the two, would he turn his nose up at him?

He waited in the airport by the baggage claim, turning on his phone and waiting for it to warm up. Customs was shorter than he thought and he now had his bag at his feet.

"Moyashi?"

Allen never thought he'd like the sound of that name. Surprised, Allen looked up to a tall young man with his very long hair tied up in a high ponytail on his head and two locks hanging in front of his ears. His sharp eyes were a beautiful deep blue and his features were equally as defined. It was obvious he was well-built, even under the shirt he wore. He spoke English well, Allen thought, even if he had an accent.

"Uh… yeah…" Allen stood, bowing as he was taught.

What must Kanda think of him.

"Come on; we need a taxi."

Allen's duffle was thrown into the trunk of the car, and he and Kanda slipped into the backseat. They sat in a comfortable silence, Allen often catching the young man looking at his scars. He guessed they were really that bad.

"This is my apartment," were the first words out of Kanda's mouth since he picked Allen up.

It was as small as Kanda described, but it was clean and well organized.

"It's—"

"It's tiny," Kanda cut him off, sitting on the bed.

Allen wasted no time and pulled the shined, polished, and cleaned sword out from his back.

"Here's Mugen."

The air in the room went calm. Kanda took the sword with both hands and held it like someone who knew how to hold a blade. He turned it over in his fingers, looking the scabbard up and down. Slowly, he pulled the sword open, pausing at the sight of the engraved lotus.

"My father will be happy to get this back," Kanda murmured.

"And you?"

Finally Kanda met his gaze.

"Yes."

Allen sat down on the bed next to Kanda, fidgeting slightly.

"How'd your family lose it anyway? Seems pretty important."

"It is," Kanda admitted, "apparently my ancestor gave it away."

"What!?"

"There's a story in my family that the last man to have the sword got hurt in the war. He was found by some British kid who helped him get better. To thank him, he gave him Mugen."

"That's… it?"

Kanda's eyes narrowed, "what do you mean, that's it?"

"Just… seems like there should be more to the story is all," Allen shrugged.

"I'm not a story-teller," Kanda sighed, "but the rumor is is that the real reason he gave Mugen to the officer was because he fell in love with him," Kanda admitted, "but here, that's not a rumor we'd like to encourage."

"Why not?" Allen asked.

"Being gay in Japan… it's not acceptable…"

"Even now?"

"Especially now."

The room became uncomfortable now. Allen felt his stomach knot. Maybe that was why Kanda didn't speak the whole trip to his apartment. Maybe he didn't like Allen after all. Maybe he was just stringing him along to get his family heirloom back.

"Thank you," Kanda repeated, "for bringing my family some closure."

"It's the least I can do," Allen shrugged, "it wasn't mine anyway."

"You still didn't need to fly it out all the way here," Kanda told him.

"You bought the ticket, and I was told it was the safest way," Allen became uncomfortable now, "and… I wanted to meet you."

"Why?"

"I dunno… guess I feel like I know you," Allen shrugged, "cause we talked all that time."

Kanda kept quiet.

"I'm sorry… if I made you uncomfortable," Allen suddenly blurted out, "for that time… when I told you…"

"Why would that make me uncomfortable?"

Allen looked Kanda up and down.

"Well… cause… what you just said—"

"If I was that uncomfortable you wouldn't be out here, sleeping in my apartment."

The young man felt like a dolt.

He should've figured that much out at least.

"Um…"

He really didn't know where to go. Did he really want to bring this up? He'd flown all this way to give Kanda his sword, maybe he was just tired.

"If you have something to ask me, ask me."

Allen hated how direct Kanda really was. Guess not much changed from the online world.

"You never did tell me about your own love life, even though I told you about mine… the broad strokes," Allen admitted, "so… tell me about yours."

Kanda stood still, looking from Allen to the sword.

"Fine."

It took Kanda took steps to reach Allen, bent over, and kissed Allen on the lips.

"That you're answer."

Allen went deep red.

"B-But—"

"But what?"

Allen paused. Even after seeing Allen's face and arm, all Kanda saw was the messages they'd sent one another.

"I just met you," Allen smiled, accepting Kanda's second kiss.

"I thought you knew me because we talked all that time."

"And I thought being gay wasn't acceptable…"

"It's not."

Allen smiled some more.

"Guess this means you like me, huh?"

Kanda kept his stoic expression.

"Is that what you came here to find out?"

"I dunno," Allen shrugged, "but I guess… I just wanted some closure."

"And now?"

"Now… I guess I got it," he tilted his head, "just like you."

It was going to be a long road for them both, being halfway around the world from one another was hard for anyone. But, Allen thought as he leaned into the warm body, at least he knew where they stood. Sometimes, that was the best thing for you.


End file.
